Symptoms Help Me Manage My Illness, 1990s, by Ediith Bridge

From MemoryArchive

Who: Edith Bridge
What: Recovery from Mental Illness
When: 1990s
Where: New York, New York

For nearly a decade, I equated symptoms with "disability." I wanted them to disappear. I had never succeeded at controlling my symptoms on my own, but when I responded to medical treatment, important changes occurred in my approach to health.

Now I manage my symptoms. They no longer take center stage as a negative force. Symptoms are like nerves connected to my psyche. When they pulse, I respond. I listen to, and respect my symptoms. They indicate when my health needs extra attention.

I have obsessive compulsive disorder and a neuro-endocrinological disorder. How do their symptoms affect me? My thoughts become violent and distorted. My voices are jeering and degrading. My visions are bloody. Paranoid perceptions tear my sense of self to shreds. Anxiety drives me to obsessive behaviors. Agitation is a cruel and self-punishing master. Depression freezes my life in black depths.

Until doctors found effective medical treatments for my disorders, my successes at attaining health were few and short lived. Controlling my symptoms was an all-consuming battle fought moment to moment. As time passed, I lost touch with what it felt like to be healthy. I faced constant disappointment because I pursued an unattainable definition of health as a state free of symptoms.

The relief that effective medical treatments provide acts as a foundation upon which I add other supports to facilitate continued good health. I now have the energy to manage my symptoms when they seem to have the upper hand.

I rely on recent experiences of good health as a base of comparison when I sense I am becoming ill. Even though the contrasts between illness and health are very pronounced, the initial stages of transition often go undetected. I work to be familiar with the differences between my healthy and symptomatic mind.

My responsibility lies in responding to symptoms in a timely fashion. Their intensity determines my response. If they are minor, I make adjustments on my own. I seek professional help if they are beyond my ability to manage. Mild symptoms respond well when I reduce the amount of stress in day to day living. I regularize sleeping hours, eat meals on schedule, and exercise. I keep my mind active and "reality check."

Sometimes circumstances beyond my control stir up symptoms. A simple example is physical illness. When symptoms are severe, I seek the help of professionals who have outstanding medical and people skills. I have them involve and educate those actively supporting me-my friends and family. I play an active role. Many of my doctors ask me what I think we should do and do not hesitate to inform me of the limits of their expertise. Thus, I can form realistic expectations of what help they can provide. I do not have to deal with unnecessary disappointment. To fill gaps in knowledge, we find other professionals with whom we can work. I have tremendous respect for my doctors. They treat me with equal respect. These attributes permit us to work as a team.

I have three significant jobs as a team member.

• Initially, I take over the role of messenger. It is imperative I communicate my symptoms clearly and accurately to my doctors.
• Secondly, the solution reached must be one with which I can live. When the solution is harder to live with than the symptoms, I feel no qualms about returning to my doctors to find a satisfactory solution. I am the only person who knows if I am responding to treatment.
• My final task is to give feedback to the professionals. When we work hard to meet a common goal of improved health, I leave empowered. I then have more skills and increased knowledge about how to manage my illness on my own. I must also be patient. I know my symptoms will not disappear overnight.

Waiting for positive change takes discipline. Nonetheless, I eagerly monitor symptoms for a reduction in severity. Health is an investment. When all is well, it is pure joy. To ensure long term good health, I must become acquainted with the "healthy" me. For the first time in many years, I have the energy to take on the task of becoming me, a person defined by who I am and what I do, not the disorders I possess.

I hope sharing my experiences, strategies, and successes will encourage consumers and their loved ones to continue their fight for recovery.

Reproduced with permission from New York City Voices, where you will also find more information about recovery.