Smash Jackson and the Drunk, 2007, by Marshall Poe

From MemoryArchive

Who: Marshall Poe
What: Another letter from Smash Jackson
When: January 28, 2007
Where: Washington, DC to Ann Arbor, MI

Here find another missive from Smash Jackson. In this one--which I warn you is rated R due to language--he goes on and on about how he will execute his duties as my head executioner. It's not pretty. For background on Smash's plans and adventures, see his other letters to yours truly.

An open letter to the future Tsar of--TA-DAH--Warencel, Michigan, towit (WHAT the hell does that stupid expression mean, COUNT????????)

After sending you my brilliant plans for excruciating joy at reading about Valiki Pete's torture (which is tame, even sissified, compared to MY ingenious ways!!!!!!!!!!!) I checked my notes I had taken at a torture conference I attended in Buckshit, Texas in l876. There I discovered the GREATEST plan ever conceived by any inhuman monster---ME!!!!!!!--for unlimited joy for the giver and blood-thirsty, totally inhuman pain, ungodly unimaginable horror for the receiver!!!!!! My joy and delight knew no bounds, Count Tilbrook Muckle Poemanoff!!!!!!!!!! After you are the undisputed great TSAR(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) (NO ONE WOULD DARE TO DEFY US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) you and I shall stroll down the shit-laden streets of Warencel, MI. Approaching us from the opposite direction will be some hopeless DRUNK, drunk out of his mind. AS he gets nearer to us, a bird will shit on his head. He will exclaim "SHIT"!!!!!! WE, you and I, Count, will interpret this "shit" as being hurled at us!!!!!!!!! I will look back at you, Count, for I shall bend in front to PROTECT you, and give you the signal. Thereupon, Count, YOU will upend this hopeless drunk and stick your fist up his ass clear up to his nose and pull him back down through his ASS, forcing his head to come out of his ass (YES!!!!!!!!!!!) and feet to spring up to where his head WAS!!!!!!!!!!! At this point you will FORCE the damned dummie to lick your shit-laden boots! Please stand by for more.

---Smash Jackson