Notes on Recovery, 1980s, 1990s, by Kurt Douglas Sass

From MemoryArchive

Who: Kurt Douglas Sass
What: Recovery from Mental Illness
When: 1980s, 1990s
Where: New York

I was born in 1957. In spite of an alcoholic father and a paternal grandmother who committed suicide when I was 5, my first 21 years were OK. I've had Major Depressive Disorder since 1979.

First Hospitalization was Hard

In February 1979, everything was going fine. Then suddenly one day I couldn't get out of bed; 1, 2, 3, 4 days. At first, I thought I was overtired. Then I started having suicidal thoughts. Dad took me to the Psych Ward at Elmhurst General.

In '79, things were a lot worse than today. I only saw therapists three times in two weeks. They blamed me or my family. There was no talk about possible genetic or chemical causes. I don't recall even being asked or even told what medicines I would be put on, or if they would have any side effects, or when I would be seeing a doctor or therapist.

I was released after two weeks of mostly sleeping from high doses of Elavil and Mellaril. I was given five days of pills and no referral for meds or therapy, so I thought it was a one-time thing, especially when I started to feel better. Little did I know it was just me coming out of a cycle.

I eventually graduated college, got a job with a bank, married and had a child.

Depressions Come and Go

Everything was fine until 1984. All of a sudden one day, I couldn't get out of bed, day after day, with suicidal thoughts, just like 1979, but with manic episodes thrown in this time. Six different meds and $2,300 worth of vitamin injections did absolutely no good; the depression just lifted on its own. I went on with my life.

But from 1984-98, I had about 10 episodes of deep depression, each lasting 2-8 weeks. Each came and went on its own, with no help from meds. Fortunately, I was an excellent worker, so my bosses kept me each time.

I was never depressed by crises such as my son being in a group home, severely mentally retarded, autistic, and with manic depression. Little Kurt was violent, except on lithium and Mellaril.

My parents and last grandparent had died within two months of each other.

Depression Hits like a Hurricane, Blows Over with ECT

But on February 2, 1998, I couldn't get out of bed with my worst depression ever. It lasted 11 months. I had constant suicidal thoughts; started cutting and burning myself up to 70 times/day. The physical pain of cutting blocked the emotional pain.

I took 16 different meds; all new anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety drugs. None were any good. In fact, for six months I could barely get out of bed or brush my teeth. The head psychiatrist suggested as a possibility ECT (Electro-Convulsive Therapy or Shock Treatment).

First, I said definitely not! But after two months of studying the pros and cons, I decided to do it as a last resort. The psychiatrist never pushed the idea. ECT saved my life.

After I had an initial eight ECT treatments and felt better, I was supposed to go back for six monthly maintenance treatments. I became scared of the procedure and, like many meds users, thought I was doing fine and didn't need to continue the treatments. I relapsed and ended up having to take another 14 treatments.

I've had 22 treatments so far, with no memory loss, except on the day of actual treatment, although I do sometimes get severe headaches, which I never had before. While ECT did save my life, it didn't cure my problems completely.

Recovery after ECT

Since February 13, 1998, each morning I wake up with horrible, sometimes suicidal thoughts. Every day it takes 1-1 1/2 hours for those thoughts to leave and for me to get out of bed.

Today things are going pretty well. Although I have occasional 2-5-day bouts when I can't get out of bed, I work part-time as a home health aide and speak for the Mental Health Association and the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) to consumers, family members, and providers. I attend and sometimes lead support groups for people with mental illness and I write for New York City Voices, a paper promoting mental health advocacy. Recovery is possible if you work at preventing relapses.

Reproduced with permission from New York City Voices, where you will also find more information about recovery.