Memoir of Myself, 2007, Kai Wei Woo

From MemoryArchive

‘’’Woo Kai Wei’’’, also known as (‘’’Kai, DMKWWL’’’), approx 180 cm is a student at Warwick University. He was born on February 16th, a very important day, where years ago, the French Government passed a law to set the A-note above middle C to a frequency of 435 Hz, in an attempt to standardize the pitch. This perhaps explains his excellent musical taste.

1 Early Years
2 Career
3 Interests
4 Most famous quotes from Kai Wei
5 See also
6 References

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Early Years

He spent his early years in Zhong Hua Primary School, before moving on to Chinese High Secondary School and Hwa Chong Junior College. As a result, his Chinese is very powderful, and he firmly believes that 新加坡人也能讲中文, joining an activist group to make his point. <ref>[1]</ref> As a completely unrelated point of interest, he was a sergeant in the St John’s Ambulance Brigade, and Captain of the Hwa Chong swimming team.

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Career

Inculcated with the wonderful Chinese values of loyalty to country, Kai Wei offered two and a half years of his life to the Singapore Armed Forces, to be a Ferocious, Fearsome and Awe Inspiring (sai kang) Warrior. Because of his ferociousness, fearsomeness, and awe inspiringness, the big wigs in the Ministry of Defence decided to give him sponsorship to pursue his studies<ref>[2]</ref>.

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Interests

Kai Wei has a keen interest in the arts. He is an avid movie watcher, as is evidenced by his frequent patronage of the Warwick Cinema at the Arts Centre. Warwick Cinema generated 1.9 million pounds last year, a notable increase from the previous year, which could be due to Kai Wei’s entry to Warwick<ref>[3]</ref>.

It is generally recognized that Kai Wei has excellent musical taste, for he is also an avid fan of one of the best singers in the world, Sammi Cheng Sau Man. He has been known to buy compilation CDs of hers which contain songs that he already has multiple copies of, in order to compare the different versions of songs, for his expert ear can pick up the subtleties.

Kai Wei also has a keen interest in photography, especially in the specialist field of taking photos of himself on holidays. He has perfected this art form, having come up with an instruction manual, “Guide to taking photos of yourself on holidays” (First Ed published 2007, Wooooo Publishing Press). A summary of the key steps:

1. Dress very well (prerequisite: have an excellent dress sense and many striped shirts), so that you look good in the photos. Though it will automatically make you the prime target for all snatch thieves, scammers, robbers, pickpockets, kidnappers and axe murders in the country you are touring, this is but a small price to pay to achieve the perfect photo of yourself on holiday. 2. Get someone reliable to take the photo for you (tips on Choosing the Right Person included in the book). 3. Give the reliable person specific instructions about how to take the photo. Subject should preferably be at the position where the ratio of distance from the left side to the distance from the right side is 640.4564:205.3333. Scold the reliable person if the reliable person gets it wrong, till the reliable person gets it right. 4. Pose expertly. Example poses given in the book include holding the arms out straight, at a right angle from the body, with hands open, and a contemplative pose, with a hand on the shoulder, in the fashion of Michelangelo’s David.

In recognition of his excellent musical taste and skill of self photography during holidays, many have traveled far and wide to learn from him. He has a group of disciples who live in a cave under the residence known as Claycroft. Their presence was 1st detected when a group of student detectives investigated the origin of the mysterious steam (which smells like washing powder) coming out from the vent in the ground just outside the Claycroft laundry room.

As a natural consequence of his interest and talent in the arts, Kai Wei is a budding philosopher, with one of his favourite authors being Milan Kundera. He often confuses everyone by putting poetic and enigmatic status indicators like “is still waiting” and “waiting again”<ref>[4]</ref>. He has also wanted to be “Lighted up like a wick”. Perhaps he is waiting to be lighted up like a wick.

There is currently much confusion in the ranks of his disciples as to what kind of wick he wants to be lighted up like. It was always assumed that he wanted to be lighted up like a braided cotton candle wick, but about 6 months back, a theory emerged that he wants to be lighted up like a lead wick, or a zinc wick. There was a recent uproar when one of his disciples suggested that the wick he was referring to was a lighting discharge wick, which implies that what Kai Wei really wants is to get struck by lightning.

This strange whim would not be inconsistent with him, for his likes and dislikes are not those of the common rabble who have bad artistic taste (ie those who are not fans of Sammi Cheng). He secretly wants to punch slow walking people on the back of the head, and cooks and bakes exceedingly well, for it is one of his passions. A friend of 10 years once said that “his cookies are better den mine lor.”

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