I'm a Survivor Who's Telling Her Tale (Mental Illness), 1990s-2000s, by Kristen Davis

From MemoryArchive

Who: Kristen Davis
What: Surviving Mental Illness
When: 1990s, 2000s
Where: New York

I'm 32 years old. I have suffered with depression since the age of sixteen. I was untreated, however, until my mid-twenties. I earned an associates degree in my early twenties, while living at home, and then moved out. I worked in a doctor's office as a secretary to support myself for eight years. For the last three of those eight years, I went back to college full-time to earn my Bachelor's degree in Human Services and Mental Health Counseling. I went to school at night so that I could work full-time during the day, and continue to support myself.

I was diagnosed with major depression and panic disorder in my mid-twenties. I finally got treatment that consisted of therapy and medication. I was put on an antidepressant and anti-anxiety medication. I attended counseling to work on my recovery. I graduated from college with a Bachelor's at age 29 and started my work in the mental health field. I have worked in the mental health field for the past three years and it has made all my struggles worthwhile.

It was discovered in my early thirties that I had been misdiagnosed, or my diagnosis had changed to bipolar 2, panic disorder with agoraphobia, and major depression. What I have learned over time is that these labels do not matter and do not make up who I am. That is not to say it is not important to have an accurate diagnosis, because my medication for depression increased and intensified my bipolar symptoms. I became extremely agitated, short tempered, and impulsive. I had always been a pretty laid back, easy going person up until this stage of my life. Being on the right medications, combined with having a reliable support system, has made all the difference in the world. I still struggle with all these symptoms, as well as social isolation. I struggle daily with trust issues, and have since the age of sixteen. What has changed is that I am working on developing my coping skills. I have a support system that challenges me and does not enable me.

I have gone through a few different counselors over the years and have finally found a good match. My current counselor really listens to me. He does not allow me to make excuses and is not afraid to call me on things. He has a way of making me face things in a kind, caring, yet challenging way. He sees me every other week and on an as-needed basis if an emergency arises. He never makes me feel like he cares about money more than people, their pain, their struggles, and their lives.

A very painful part of my life has to do with suicide. The first time I contemplated suicide was at sixteen. I was not under treatment for depression and had just moved away from the friends I grew up with for the first half of my life. I took sleeping pills on a nightly basis and developed a resistance to them. I had to take more to sleep, but what I was really doing was hiding from my own painful feelings. One night, I took too many pills and was very frightened. I could not tell anyone so I prayed to God "Please, God, if you let me survive this night, I will NEVER do this again." I am writing to you today, because God heard my prayers, and I got rid of the pills the next day.

That night was a turning point in my life. I admit there are times when I relapse and fall into old patterns of self-medicating. The only difference now is that I have a support system of people I trust in place. I take the chance on trusting because it is better than dying.

I am fighting to help reduce stigma, so let me reintroduce myself. My name is Kristen, and I have a mental illness.

Reproduced with permission from New York City Voices, where you will also find more information about recovery.