Finding My Long Lost Mama!
From MemoryArchive
Who: Sarah S. McLaughlin What: Childhood Memory When: February 8, 2010 Where: Philadelphia, PA
Finding My Long Lost Mama!
In Philadelphia PA, August 29, 1991 I, Sarah was born to a family of three. When my older brother, Matthew and I were toddlers our parents separated. Dad had custody over us and we lived with him for several months, but when the chaos got to be too much for Matthew and I, we ended up living with Me-mom and Pop-pop, who were Dad’s parents. Dad remarried in 1996, and I got a new stepbrother named Sean and my stepmom’s name is Nancy. I was now five years old. We lived in Philadelphia several years with our newly blended family, but Matthew and I only saw our mom occasionally.
Mom was gone. My brother Matthew and I had not seen her in months. Anxiously we waited by the phone, waiting by the front door to see if she would show up, and again it was as if she had forgotten about us. Did she not care? Having our parents separate when we toddlers and then living with Me-mom and Pop for three years was conflicting enough, but now to have a new mom in our life and our real mom absent? It was heart wrenching. We overheard horrible things about Mom, were they true? We were so young, and the adults knew it all, of course what they claimed was true. Mom cared more about herself than us they said. Mom was not safe, had “bad boyfriends,” and was not even a Christian. All these things we heard. Mom didn’t come see us when she promised she would. This confirmed her disinterest in us, right? No, Matthew and I loved our Mommy unconditionally and she would use all the money she had on us, surely she cared and was doing all she could to see us. Nothing could be said to us to convince us otherwise.
Dad and Mom were divorced, and Dad had custody over us. Dad provided for us and worked more double shifts than I can remember. Matthew and I, being two and three years old, stayed with Me-mom and Pop-pop and were picked up by Dad late at night when he was done working, only to be dropped back off with our grandparents early the next morning. Dad wished he could spend more time with us, but he had to work, had to provide. Although it pained him terribly, he decided to have us live with Me-mom and Pop-pop so we were not being dragged around all the time. We got to be with Dad on the weekends, but rarely did we see Mom. She had partial custody, but was sometimes just too poor to get bus fare to see us.
Being with Mom were the happiest times for Matthew and I when we were young. Mom would take us to the food store, and would buy Ramen Noodles for me and Spaghetti O’s for Matthew. As I grew a little older I realized that she bought these for us because she was poor and that was what she could afford. Personally, I was proud that my food was cheaper than Matthew’s, and could be purchased at Acme for 10 cents a package. Even at age six I was aware of the cost of food, and to this day I am conscious of all costs, and am determined to get the best price on gas, or find the best deal on groceries, or even clip out a coupon to buy some food. We did not mind our inexpensive food, we loved our soup, it was our favorite food and we were thankful. I still buy and eat Ramen Noodles to this day, not because I can’t afford a more costly soup, but because I grew up eating it, it is cheaper, and it reminds me of all the good times with Mom.
Mom lived in some different apartments, but for a while she lived with her dad, Pop-pop Jack. Pop-pop Jack’s name was not Jack or even similar to Jack, his name was Walt. How Matthew and I started calling him Jack is a mystery to me to this day! When Mom lived with Pop-pop Jack she could do more with us and could afford more with us. Sometimes we could even go to Dunkin Doughnuts and each get one doughnut. What a treat! What must Mom have sacrificed to buy that for us? Even better than walking to the Dunkin Doughnuts, Mom would pull Matthew and I in the wagon to the playground. Nothing could buy the excitement of playing in the playground with her.
As the years went by, Matthew and I saw Mom less and less. We began to recognize Nancy, our stepmom as our mom. Maybe what we were told was true, maybe our biological mom did not care? So many times she would not show when she promised. As far as I knew, she did not call. Eventually, visits from her became nonexistent. I don’t even know when the last time I saw her was. I want to say I was seven or eight, but I can hardly remember, perhaps it is blocked out of my memory due to the pain.
Adapting to our blended family began to get easier, and I began to cry over my mom less but still prayed for her. Where was she? Was she safe? I remember being told my mom was not a Christian so I prayed to God to give her my spot in heaven. Every night I prayed for Mom. Slowly but surely, I began to remember her a little less. Memories became more vague, and only the occasionally scent of cigarette smoke reminded me of her.
At age nine our blended family moved out of Philadelphia, PA and came to Kentucky. We left, and Mom did not even know. Would she ever see us again? It seemed like hope was fading that I would ever see her again. In Kentucky, Matthew and I grew up, never having any contact with our mom, not even knowing where she was and if she was alright. Years passed, and she was not a part of our life, and missed many milestones in our lives.
When I was fifteen, Dad contacted my mom’s brother had a conversation. Dad contacted my mom and talked to her for quite some time about many things. After quite a long conversation Dad told Matthew and I about the conversation and heartily gave us the opportunity to talk to her. My heart knew it was her on the phone and although her voice sounded a little different, I just knew it was her. Tears streamed down my cheeks. It had been about 7 years since I had heard her voice. Mom didn’t know we were in Kentucky, and even when Matthew and I started talking to her we were not supposed to tell her. One day I slipped, and eventually we were allowed to give her our mailing address. Since then we began to write letters, talk on the phone, and get to know each other.
Where did I begin building this relationship? I started by journaling each night and titling each entry with something like, “Dear Mama”. I knew Mom had missed a signifigant portion of my life and did not even really know me, so I wrote down something each day about myself or what my thoughts were for about a year so she could get to know me and make up for the chunk of my life she had missed. I began talking with her frequently on the phone and we would send gifts to one another. I love my mama so much!
I am eighteen now and I have a mother daughter relationship with mom. Although I have only been able to see her twice since I was little, and each time for only a few hours, I look to the future and hope to see her more when I can. Mom and I talk for hours on the phone quite frequently and get along splendidly. From my experience with my mom, long distance relationships do work and can thrive when one is truly committed to the other! I am saving money to take a trip with my brother to spend time with her in person, to build upon our relatioship. I wish I could do fun things like go shopping, visit a theater, go out to eat, attend church, or even just sit on a couch and watch a movie and eat snacks with her. One day, maybe my wish will come true. The future is bright and although my mom is absent from most of my childhood memories, new memories can be made and it is never too late to start afresh.
In conclusion, if you have a great relationship with your parents or your kids, cherish it and invest time with them, because at any time this privilege can be taken away. You never know when your last day with someone will be, so make it count when you spend time with them. I am so thankful that God has restored my relationship with my mom and I don’t ever want to take that for granted or shirk away from any opportunity to spend time with my sweet mama.
