Being Bisexual at 11, 2001, by Will Gorman

From MemoryArchive

Who: Will Gorman
What: Being a bisexual 11 year old
When: 2001
Where: Banneker 

It seriously did suck. I don't know how else to describe it, how it started. To put it crudely, I was just an eleven year old when I started getting hormones (I've heard that it's usually 13 years before it happens), and that's about the time I started feeling attracted to other guys. Which sucks. Not to say I was attracted to any of the assholes (pardon my French) at my school, they were, obviously, too immature. The only things that messed me up, were the hardons I got in the locker room constantly and I was always wondering about the johnson-size of the guy next to me (Eh, I have to say it somewhere), I didn't have any crushes on any guy who went there, and even voluntarily refer to other people as 'fags' and 'gays'. Of course, I never came out. I don't know why.

So I keep this tidy little secret down. I was never a social butterfly or anything, but after that I became an all out antisocial. Stay in my room and play video games. Never, ever come out. At school, cut class and hide in the stairwell, just watch people pass by. Hell, I hated most heterosexual guys because they were too full of their own sexual insecurity to realize that I wouldn't go anywhere near them. I never came out, of course, even in high school. I was gloriously antisocial by then, and my sexuality was a well-kept secret - I basically started acting like a stupid stoner so that people never realized how much of a flaming queer I was - it was quite effective, apparently, since in the middle of a PTA, one of the teachers burst out and mentioned how high I apparently was (which resulted in a urine test and a room emptying). All I had to do was hang out and sleep in the halls, or out in the field, and at home hide in my room. Keeping to yourself is actually very easy after a while. I didn't care about school whatsoever, and ended up being proud of my straight F average. For the next three years. But I never would admit to myself that I was bisexual. I had a thing for boys, and other then that I could shut it down and pretend that everything was okay, and I was just failing all my classes and incapable of holding a regular conversation because I was unique.

But then last summer something happened. I cut my hair, lost some weight, started smoking pot, did charity work and - realized what a flaming queer I really was. It was like a weight was bloody lifted. I didn't make many few friends for it, and I'm sure there are plenty of people who think alot less of me for it - especially my only realistic friend, who was still a heterosexual Christian. But I'm a better person for it. I'm still an antisocial f**k, and I may be an actual stoner now, but I'm a smart stoner, not a stupid stoner. And that's what really counts.